God Bless You, Joey Porter
by Vince Darcangelo
Joey P. will always be one of the P-6's all-time favorite Steelers. He is now officially the P-6's all-time favorite Dolphin.
He had a few things to say on this morning's NFL Sunday Countdown on ESPN. He had quite a few things to say about Spygate, which the NFL has attempted to squash and sheepish commentators have been more than happy to oblige.
Porter tells it straight: Get out the asterisk, because the Patriots have built their legacy on cheating. Thank goodness someone has the guts to say so.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Goin' Deep 11.20.08
Bringing Sexy Back: An Open Letter to the National Football League
by Mikey Hammerstone
How can a game end in a tie? What’s with all the fines for tackling a perfectly good quarterback? Why are some franchises still in existence? As fans, we’re often subject to the decisions made by the NFL front office morons and are forced to live through season after season of stupidity.
I mean, isn’t it bad enough that we have to put up with Kornheiser every Monday?!? I sure as hell never wanted that fucking numbnuts to broadcast my Monday night game! Why weren’t we, the fans, asked for our opinion? Shouldn’t there have been some sort of survey done? During the election, the pollsters should have thrown in “Who would you choose to co-host the MNF game? A) Chris Berman, B) Dennis Leary or C) Peter Griffin.” Seriously, if the American people knew that would be one of the questions, maybe they wouldn’t have been so pissed off that someone was calling them in the middle of dinner.
Ladies and gentlemen, we need to voice our concerns and we need it done now. For that reason, I have decided to take on the responsibility of being your NFL Moses. The following letter to the NFL is for YOU, my football brethren and sistren:
Dear Mr. Goodell,
I would like to take this opportunity to express some of my concerns as a longtime fan of the NFL. Having now been a fan for more than 30 years, I have seen the demise of a once great league. If you would be so kind, please take a moment to consider the following adjustments that I believe might save a sport that I so very much love.
First, can you please stop making the game look so much like a powder puff league? Every week I see penalties for hits on the quarterback that make me cry out “What the fuck was that?” in disbelief. Last time I checked, a quarterback was still a football player. If you don’t want them to get hurt, you might want to try fielding them in a suit of armor with poisonous spokes sticking out of their plated uniforms.
I mean, seriously, it’s gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even be afraid to have my 5-year-old niece drop back for my favorite team because I know that she couldn’t be touched. Even with the new “two-hand touch” rules that you have instituted for these guys, they still seem to somehow get hurt. Do you want to know why? Because they’re pussies. The worst part is that it’s not even their fault. I mean, why the hell should they bother toughening themselves up if they know that they’re going to have a three-foot halo around them all the time?
Next, what’s with having a tie game? Even the NHL has instituted the shoot out to decide a winner for God’s sake (and nobody even watches that shit anymore)! There is no reason why this shouldn’t be changed. If neither team can score in OT, each team should trot out their field goal kicker and kick field goals from 35 yards. If they both make it, it gets pushed back to 40 yards. If they both make it again, keep pushing it back five yards at a time until one kicker misses. That way, not only will a team’s precious little quarterback not get hurt, but the team can pretend like they love their kicker just like they would in regular overtime.
Finally, can you please institute a rule that if a team has a combined record of less than 10 wins in three years they must disband? (Bye bye Raiders and Lions). I mean really, watching a Texans/Bengals game this year is like being forced to have sex with Beatrice Arthur. Sure it’s still sex, but good God man! If you pass this rule, it would only serve as incentive for deadbeat teams to either shit or get off the pot.
So, Rog, there you have it. Thank you in advance for your consideration of these changes and I look forward to a much more enjoyable 2009 NFL season.
Sincerely,
Michael Hammerstone
Boulder, CO
P.S. Fuck the Cowboys.
by Mikey Hammerstone
How can a game end in a tie? What’s with all the fines for tackling a perfectly good quarterback? Why are some franchises still in existence? As fans, we’re often subject to the decisions made by the NFL front office morons and are forced to live through season after season of stupidity.
I mean, isn’t it bad enough that we have to put up with Kornheiser every Monday?!? I sure as hell never wanted that fucking numbnuts to broadcast my Monday night game! Why weren’t we, the fans, asked for our opinion? Shouldn’t there have been some sort of survey done? During the election, the pollsters should have thrown in “Who would you choose to co-host the MNF game? A) Chris Berman, B) Dennis Leary or C) Peter Griffin.” Seriously, if the American people knew that would be one of the questions, maybe they wouldn’t have been so pissed off that someone was calling them in the middle of dinner.
Ladies and gentlemen, we need to voice our concerns and we need it done now. For that reason, I have decided to take on the responsibility of being your NFL Moses. The following letter to the NFL is for YOU, my football brethren and sistren:
Dear Mr. Goodell,
I would like to take this opportunity to express some of my concerns as a longtime fan of the NFL. Having now been a fan for more than 30 years, I have seen the demise of a once great league. If you would be so kind, please take a moment to consider the following adjustments that I believe might save a sport that I so very much love.
First, can you please stop making the game look so much like a powder puff league? Every week I see penalties for hits on the quarterback that make me cry out “What the fuck was that?” in disbelief. Last time I checked, a quarterback was still a football player. If you don’t want them to get hurt, you might want to try fielding them in a suit of armor with poisonous spokes sticking out of their plated uniforms.
I mean, seriously, it’s gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even be afraid to have my 5-year-old niece drop back for my favorite team because I know that she couldn’t be touched. Even with the new “two-hand touch” rules that you have instituted for these guys, they still seem to somehow get hurt. Do you want to know why? Because they’re pussies. The worst part is that it’s not even their fault. I mean, why the hell should they bother toughening themselves up if they know that they’re going to have a three-foot halo around them all the time?
Next, what’s with having a tie game? Even the NHL has instituted the shoot out to decide a winner for God’s sake (and nobody even watches that shit anymore)! There is no reason why this shouldn’t be changed. If neither team can score in OT, each team should trot out their field goal kicker and kick field goals from 35 yards. If they both make it, it gets pushed back to 40 yards. If they both make it again, keep pushing it back five yards at a time until one kicker misses. That way, not only will a team’s precious little quarterback not get hurt, but the team can pretend like they love their kicker just like they would in regular overtime.
Finally, can you please institute a rule that if a team has a combined record of less than 10 wins in three years they must disband? (Bye bye Raiders and Lions). I mean really, watching a Texans/Bengals game this year is like being forced to have sex with Beatrice Arthur. Sure it’s still sex, but good God man! If you pass this rule, it would only serve as incentive for deadbeat teams to either shit or get off the pot.
So, Rog, there you have it. Thank you in advance for your consideration of these changes and I look forward to a much more enjoyable 2009 NFL season.
Sincerely,
Michael Hammerstone
Boulder, CO
P.S. Fuck the Cowboys.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
PickSix 11.20.08
San Diego, Sans Domination
by Vince Darcangelo
For starters, we’d like to apologize for there being no column last week. We had intended to write one, and in fact columns were penned, but Internet issues prevented us from accessing the PickSix.biz files.
Alas, Technology, you confound us again!!!
We were going to preview the Steelers/Chargers match-up. Instead, we’ll review. Actually, this isn’t so much about the game itself, but rather an issue that has been eating at the P-6 all year.
A lot has been made about the AFC’s fall from grace this year. The two conferences are at least standing on the same ground, and the NFC may even have the higher ground right now. But here’s our issue. When discussing the AFC’s decade of dominance, sheepish sportswriters refer to the trio of teams that has been responsible for this as Indy, New England . . . and San Diego.
WHAT!?!?
San Diego?
First of all, full disclosure, the P-6 bleeds black and gold. We live and die for the Steelers, and the outcome of each week’s game dictates our mood for the rest of the week. So, as a Steelers fan, this offends the P-6. To put San Diego ahead of Pittsburgh, who has won a Super Bowl and been to four conference championships during this decade-long run of AFC dominance (1997-2007), is infuriating.
What have the Chargers done? They’ve had two good seasons and a few OK seasons, not to mention some pretty crappy seasons (1-15 in 2000, 4-12 in 2003). We can think of two signature games they’ve played in the past decade: Beating the Colts to spoil their unbeaten season in 2005 and making a game of it against the Patriots in last year’s title game. Otherwise?
But anyway, enough of the vitriol (possibly). The P-6 is an objective football analyst (sort of). For this week’s Front Seven, we’re going to offer an unbiased (mostly) look at why this undeserved praise for the Chargers is ridiculous and insulting to all football fans, and in particular to fans of teams that have actually contributed something to this AFC run.
Front Seven
1. Super Bowls. To be included in this discussion, shouldn’t you have at least been to the Big Game? San Diego has not in the ’00s. The team’s lone Super Bowl appearance was in the latter days of the NFC era, in which the Chargers were humiliated 49-26. That team, led by Stan Humphries and Natrone Means, was far inferior to some of the teams San Diego has fielded in recent years, but they were able to at least make it to the Super Bowl.
2. Playoffs. OK, well, plenty of great teams haven’t made the Super Bowl but were still a dominant team in their era. The Chargers themselves, for example, in the early 1980s. How does this incarnation stack up? The Chargers have only made the playoffs three times since 1997, and have only two postseason wins to their credit in that time. You call that domination? Here’s some perspective. Since 2000, the Steelers have won seven postseason games. The Chargers, in their entire 48-year history, have nine.
Here’s some more perspective, to be a top three team of the decade, shouldn’t that team have at least the third most postseason wins? Here’s a breakdown of postseason wins by AFC teams since 2000:
New England Patriots: 14
Pittsburgh Steelers: 7
Indianapolis Colts: 6
Baltimore Ravens: 5
Oakland Raiders: 3
San Diego Chargers, Tennessee Titans: 2
Four teams tied with: 1
That’s right, tied for sixth place with the Titans, who are more likely to win a playoff game this year than the Chargers.
3. Steelers. By comparison, the Steelers have been to the playoffs in five of the eight seasons played this decade (and seem poised to make it six of nine). They have won seven postseason games in this stretch, have played in three AFC Championship games and won a Super Bowl. (They played in a fourth championship game in 1997.) Their 2005 playoff match-up against the Colts was one of the greatest postseason games in NFL history, and only the Patriots’ dominance prevented them from making it to more Super Bowls.
4. Ravens. The Ravens, too, should be insulted. The Steelers are obviously third on this list, and Baltimore is most worthy of fourth. Unlike the Chargers, the Ravens have gone to a Super Bowl this decade. In fact, they won it. Their 2003 defensive unit was one of the best to ever take the field, their running game was unstoppable and as recently as 2006 was a premier team. The emergence of Joe Flacco gives this team a shot at the Wild Card this year, and we guarantee you that if they play San Diego they’ll crush them.
5. Broncos. The Chargers have only recently dominated their own division, never mind the AFC. Since the AFC rose to dominance in 1997, the Broncos have won two Super Bowls and been to three championship games, and have been to the playoffs twice as many times.
6. History. The AFC ruled the 1970s. Who were the big three? Pittsburgh-Oakland-Miami. You don’t see the Houston Oilers on that list. The NFC ruled the 1980s. The big guns? San Francisco-Washington-New York Giants. You don’t see the Philadelphia Eagles on that list. The NFC ruled most of the 1990s. Because of? Dallas-San Francisco-Washington. You don’t see the Atlanta Falcons on that list. Don’t insult the 2000s triumvirate of New England-Indy-Pittsburgh by putting San Diego on that list.
7. Uniforms. For some reason the Chargers keep busting out those ugly powder-blue throwback uniforms. And for some reason the media eat it up. We feel they should be disqualified just on fashion alone.
Hot Reads
WTF??: We at the P-6 love Donnie Mac. He’s one of the best players of the past decade, leading his team to four consecutive NFC Championship Games and nearly winning the Super Bowl in 2004 (a game they likely would have won had the Patriots not been cheating). And he is one of the league’s classiest acts. He’s a symbol of what’s right about football, and he receives an undue amount of criticism.
That said, Mac-5, are you serious? You didn’t know the overtime rules? There have been regular-season ties and postseason double overtimes during your playing career!
To say that the P-6 throws like a 12-year-old girl is an insult to 12-year-old girls. We can occasionally make a sweet catch in a backyard game, but the average high-school cornerback could likely outplay us in man coverage. And the handful of times the P-6 has made a tackle, either in midget or backyard football, it has typically been when we didn’t get out of the way quick enough and the runner tripped over our scrawny, flailing body.
But D-Mac, we damn well know the overtime rules in professional football — and we don’t even play!
As a writer, we understand the rules of sentence structure. We know the formatting rules of our editors. And, to equate this with your situation, we know what happens when we don’t finish our articles before deadline. How could you not know that the game could end in a tie?
However . . . : That said, Donnie Mac’s comments should not be blown out of proportion. He didn’t try to win any less just because he thought there would be a second overtime. This is not indicative of the internal struggles of the Philly franchise. The world didn’t come to an end (that won’t happen until 2012). Neither Andy Reid nor D-Mac should lose their job over this. Perspective, people.
Pacman, really?: Did someone slip some Ecstasy into Goodell’s coffee? That’s the only explanation for the reinstatement of Pacman Jones. We suspect Goodell is in the corporate penthouse right now dancing half-naked to some Z-Trip and sucking on a pacifier.
Worthless Bills: The Buffalo Bills are worth about as much as a U.S. bill right now. What a garbage team. They deserved to lose on Monday night. The P-6 doesn’t get angry at teams that simply suck. But when a team is good and not trying its hardest to win, we get angry. Our next Front Seven will likely be about teams that we’re angry at for not trying to win. Here are two other members of that club: the Tampa Bay Bucs and Washington Redskins. Both teams had the Cowboys on the ropes in recent weeks, and willingly handed the games away. For shame.
FYI: PickSix.biz will be off for the holidays. See you in December.
Douchebag of the Week: Perhaps someone has slipped some Ecstasy in the P-6’s herbal tea (thank you, whomever that was), but we didn’t notice much douchebaggery taking place this week and are leaving the title unclaimed. We will hear arguments from anyone who would like to nominate someone.
A Decade of Domination: The P-6’s performance has been far from dominating this year. But with a 5-1 showing with our last round of picks, we have improved our season record to 32-22. We hope to improve it further by picking around the theme of the dominant teams of the past decade.
Six Pack
Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh
This game is like the P-6’s clothes closet. No ties.
P-6 picks: Pittsburgh
Philly vs. Baltimore
Both teams have played strong in their respective conferences. But Philly has got something to prove after last week’s debacle against the Bungles.
P-6 picks: Philly
New England vs. Miami
Could the Dolphins pull it off twice in a year? We doubt it, but we like to think so.
P-6 picks: Miami
Indianapolis vs. San Diego
Like Stella before, Indy has gotten its groove back.
P-6 picks: Indy
San Francisco vs. Dallas
OK, this is a throwback to the game referred to as the “Real Super Bowl” in the 1990s, kind of like Indy-New England in the early 2000s. Let’s just hope that Singletary keeps it in his pants.
P-6 picks: Dallas
N.Y. Giants vs. Arizona
This is a new-school match-up between what is likely the best team in the NFL and what could be the P-6’s Super Bowl pick, the Cards. Right now the G-men have the upper hand, which makes this game the P-6’s Upset Special of the Week.
P-6 picks: Arizona
by Vince Darcangelo
For starters, we’d like to apologize for there being no column last week. We had intended to write one, and in fact columns were penned, but Internet issues prevented us from accessing the PickSix.biz files.
Alas, Technology, you confound us again!!!
We were going to preview the Steelers/Chargers match-up. Instead, we’ll review. Actually, this isn’t so much about the game itself, but rather an issue that has been eating at the P-6 all year.
A lot has been made about the AFC’s fall from grace this year. The two conferences are at least standing on the same ground, and the NFC may even have the higher ground right now. But here’s our issue. When discussing the AFC’s decade of dominance, sheepish sportswriters refer to the trio of teams that has been responsible for this as Indy, New England . . . and San Diego.
WHAT!?!?
San Diego?
First of all, full disclosure, the P-6 bleeds black and gold. We live and die for the Steelers, and the outcome of each week’s game dictates our mood for the rest of the week. So, as a Steelers fan, this offends the P-6. To put San Diego ahead of Pittsburgh, who has won a Super Bowl and been to four conference championships during this decade-long run of AFC dominance (1997-2007), is infuriating.
What have the Chargers done? They’ve had two good seasons and a few OK seasons, not to mention some pretty crappy seasons (1-15 in 2000, 4-12 in 2003). We can think of two signature games they’ve played in the past decade: Beating the Colts to spoil their unbeaten season in 2005 and making a game of it against the Patriots in last year’s title game. Otherwise?
But anyway, enough of the vitriol (possibly). The P-6 is an objective football analyst (sort of). For this week’s Front Seven, we’re going to offer an unbiased (mostly) look at why this undeserved praise for the Chargers is ridiculous and insulting to all football fans, and in particular to fans of teams that have actually contributed something to this AFC run.
Front Seven
1. Super Bowls. To be included in this discussion, shouldn’t you have at least been to the Big Game? San Diego has not in the ’00s. The team’s lone Super Bowl appearance was in the latter days of the NFC era, in which the Chargers were humiliated 49-26. That team, led by Stan Humphries and Natrone Means, was far inferior to some of the teams San Diego has fielded in recent years, but they were able to at least make it to the Super Bowl.
2. Playoffs. OK, well, plenty of great teams haven’t made the Super Bowl but were still a dominant team in their era. The Chargers themselves, for example, in the early 1980s. How does this incarnation stack up? The Chargers have only made the playoffs three times since 1997, and have only two postseason wins to their credit in that time. You call that domination? Here’s some perspective. Since 2000, the Steelers have won seven postseason games. The Chargers, in their entire 48-year history, have nine.
Here’s some more perspective, to be a top three team of the decade, shouldn’t that team have at least the third most postseason wins? Here’s a breakdown of postseason wins by AFC teams since 2000:
New England Patriots: 14
Pittsburgh Steelers: 7
Indianapolis Colts: 6
Baltimore Ravens: 5
Oakland Raiders: 3
San Diego Chargers, Tennessee Titans: 2
Four teams tied with: 1
That’s right, tied for sixth place with the Titans, who are more likely to win a playoff game this year than the Chargers.
3. Steelers. By comparison, the Steelers have been to the playoffs in five of the eight seasons played this decade (and seem poised to make it six of nine). They have won seven postseason games in this stretch, have played in three AFC Championship games and won a Super Bowl. (They played in a fourth championship game in 1997.) Their 2005 playoff match-up against the Colts was one of the greatest postseason games in NFL history, and only the Patriots’ dominance prevented them from making it to more Super Bowls.
4. Ravens. The Ravens, too, should be insulted. The Steelers are obviously third on this list, and Baltimore is most worthy of fourth. Unlike the Chargers, the Ravens have gone to a Super Bowl this decade. In fact, they won it. Their 2003 defensive unit was one of the best to ever take the field, their running game was unstoppable and as recently as 2006 was a premier team. The emergence of Joe Flacco gives this team a shot at the Wild Card this year, and we guarantee you that if they play San Diego they’ll crush them.
5. Broncos. The Chargers have only recently dominated their own division, never mind the AFC. Since the AFC rose to dominance in 1997, the Broncos have won two Super Bowls and been to three championship games, and have been to the playoffs twice as many times.
6. History. The AFC ruled the 1970s. Who were the big three? Pittsburgh-Oakland-Miami. You don’t see the Houston Oilers on that list. The NFC ruled the 1980s. The big guns? San Francisco-Washington-New York Giants. You don’t see the Philadelphia Eagles on that list. The NFC ruled most of the 1990s. Because of? Dallas-San Francisco-Washington. You don’t see the Atlanta Falcons on that list. Don’t insult the 2000s triumvirate of New England-Indy-Pittsburgh by putting San Diego on that list.
7. Uniforms. For some reason the Chargers keep busting out those ugly powder-blue throwback uniforms. And for some reason the media eat it up. We feel they should be disqualified just on fashion alone.
Hot Reads
WTF??: We at the P-6 love Donnie Mac. He’s one of the best players of the past decade, leading his team to four consecutive NFC Championship Games and nearly winning the Super Bowl in 2004 (a game they likely would have won had the Patriots not been cheating). And he is one of the league’s classiest acts. He’s a symbol of what’s right about football, and he receives an undue amount of criticism.
That said, Mac-5, are you serious? You didn’t know the overtime rules? There have been regular-season ties and postseason double overtimes during your playing career!
To say that the P-6 throws like a 12-year-old girl is an insult to 12-year-old girls. We can occasionally make a sweet catch in a backyard game, but the average high-school cornerback could likely outplay us in man coverage. And the handful of times the P-6 has made a tackle, either in midget or backyard football, it has typically been when we didn’t get out of the way quick enough and the runner tripped over our scrawny, flailing body.
But D-Mac, we damn well know the overtime rules in professional football — and we don’t even play!
As a writer, we understand the rules of sentence structure. We know the formatting rules of our editors. And, to equate this with your situation, we know what happens when we don’t finish our articles before deadline. How could you not know that the game could end in a tie?
However . . . : That said, Donnie Mac’s comments should not be blown out of proportion. He didn’t try to win any less just because he thought there would be a second overtime. This is not indicative of the internal struggles of the Philly franchise. The world didn’t come to an end (that won’t happen until 2012). Neither Andy Reid nor D-Mac should lose their job over this. Perspective, people.
Pacman, really?: Did someone slip some Ecstasy into Goodell’s coffee? That’s the only explanation for the reinstatement of Pacman Jones. We suspect Goodell is in the corporate penthouse right now dancing half-naked to some Z-Trip and sucking on a pacifier.
Worthless Bills: The Buffalo Bills are worth about as much as a U.S. bill right now. What a garbage team. They deserved to lose on Monday night. The P-6 doesn’t get angry at teams that simply suck. But when a team is good and not trying its hardest to win, we get angry. Our next Front Seven will likely be about teams that we’re angry at for not trying to win. Here are two other members of that club: the Tampa Bay Bucs and Washington Redskins. Both teams had the Cowboys on the ropes in recent weeks, and willingly handed the games away. For shame.
FYI: PickSix.biz will be off for the holidays. See you in December.
Douchebag of the Week: Perhaps someone has slipped some Ecstasy in the P-6’s herbal tea (thank you, whomever that was), but we didn’t notice much douchebaggery taking place this week and are leaving the title unclaimed. We will hear arguments from anyone who would like to nominate someone.
A Decade of Domination: The P-6’s performance has been far from dominating this year. But with a 5-1 showing with our last round of picks, we have improved our season record to 32-22. We hope to improve it further by picking around the theme of the dominant teams of the past decade.
Six Pack
Cincinnati vs. Pittsburgh
This game is like the P-6’s clothes closet. No ties.
P-6 picks: Pittsburgh
Philly vs. Baltimore
Both teams have played strong in their respective conferences. But Philly has got something to prove after last week’s debacle against the Bungles.
P-6 picks: Philly
New England vs. Miami
Could the Dolphins pull it off twice in a year? We doubt it, but we like to think so.
P-6 picks: Miami
Indianapolis vs. San Diego
Like Stella before, Indy has gotten its groove back.
P-6 picks: Indy
San Francisco vs. Dallas
OK, this is a throwback to the game referred to as the “Real Super Bowl” in the 1990s, kind of like Indy-New England in the early 2000s. Let’s just hope that Singletary keeps it in his pants.
P-6 picks: Dallas
N.Y. Giants vs. Arizona
This is a new-school match-up between what is likely the best team in the NFL and what could be the P-6’s Super Bowl pick, the Cards. Right now the G-men have the upper hand, which makes this game the P-6’s Upset Special of the Week.
P-6 picks: Arizona
Pigskin Zen 11.20.08
Tie Eagles Tie, on the Road to Mediocrity
by Gary Zeidner
I know I’m usually all sweetness and light when it comes to my beloved Birds, but after enduring a needless loss to the Giants two weeks ago and a tie with the Bengals last week, it’s time for some tough love. No more Mr. Fucking Nice Guy.
I’ve been saying IAWT (In Andy We Trust) since Big Red pissed off the entire Eagles Nation by picking Donnie over Williams. In Andy I still do trust, but after his baffling play calling and personnel choices this season, that trust has taken some hits bigger than anything you’d ever see on the field. It’s time for Andy to stop hemming and hawing and step the fuck up.
Donnie, you know I love you, but right now you’re playing like a journeyman and leading like a follower. Half your passes have more air under them than Clay Aiken’s loafers, and the other half hit the ground so far in front of your receivers that I’m worried they’re going to call you for intentional grounding every other play. You were personally responsible for four turnovers against the Bengals with your fumble and three interceptions. You’re rocking a 50 percent completion rate right now. Does that get your blood boiling? Does it get you focused? I guess not. After each testicle-grinding loss, you mellowly spout the standard issue bullshit about needing to play together and almost being where you need to be when what you really need to do is smack your shoe on the podium Khrushchev-style and scream, “We will bury you!” Oh, and while you’re getting your fucking ducks in a row, how about brushing up on the rulebook. (Not knowing that regular season games can and will end in ties after one overtime period is Bush-league pathetic. More on that later.)
It’s almost like, as a team, the Eagles don’t really want to win this year. How else do you explain — among the other eye-bleedingly obvious mistakes and missteps — the fact that the Birds keep playing games virtually penalty-free until the final few minutes of the fourth quarter then suddenly implode, drawn into a penalty black hole by the weight of their own idiocy?
There were only two players worth any fraction of their salaries playing in Eagle green last weekend, Quintin Mikell and Asante Samuel. Mikell hit Bengals wideout Chapman so hard he knocked him the fuck out. The guy literally went limp, in the air, and the ball drop from his temporarily motor control-less arms. Samuel made a number of good plays but none better than his action hero, bullet-time leap over a receiver to block an incoming pass. Two great players, however, does not a team make.
Fucking Eagles. All you had to do was beat the Giants. At home. On national television. On a Sunday night. That’s it. Just beat the fucking Giants and your season was set up like ABSCAM.
But no. You dropped a five-point loss instead. Another almost-but-not-quite heartbreaker. Another we-missed-it-by-that-much circle jerk. Another but-for-the-grace-of-god-go-I cock punch. Then, when a redemption win against Cincy seemed all but inevitable, you managed the NFL’s first tie in six years. And you did it against a 1-8 team. Bravo, you fucking humps.
OK. I get it. Drama. That’s what you’re going for. OK. Fine. You want it like that. You got it like that. It’s “win out” time now. You win out the rest of the season, get into the postseason, get to the Big Game and win Philly its first Super Bowl, and all is forgiven. Short of that, fuck you.
Seriously. Coffee’s for closers. I love you like brothers, and I will always root for you with every last breath and drop of blood until the day I die, but make it fucking worth it. Beat the Ravens and run the table. It’s time.
E-A-G-L-E-S . . . EAGLES!!!
Rules? We don’t need no stinking rules!
Donovan McNabb, Eagles QB and 10-year vet in the NFL, didn’t know that there is no sudden death overtime during the regular season. Fucking disgusting. (It doesn’t make matters any better that, seemingly, he wasn’t the only Eagle who missed that day of Rules class.)
In an effort to help educate D-Mac and save him future embarrassment, here are the top 10 other rules I’m betting Donnie doesn’t know.
10. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, all clear.
9. You never count your money while you’re sitting at the table.
8. No shoes, no shirt, no service.
7. Never yell “Fire!” in a crowded theatre.
6. You must come to a complete stop at a stop sign.
5. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
4. Red next to yellow, kill a fellow. Red next to black, venom lack.
3. When your girlfriend says, “Let’s just be friends,” she’s already fucking someone else.
2. Never wear socks with sandals.
1. A rain delay after five innings in the World Series does not result in the leading team winning the game but instead in an indeterminate rain delay. (But in fairness, nobody knew that one until a few weeks ago.)
Non-erotic auto-asphyxiation
So the Big Three automakers in America have paid out eight-figure bonuses (not salaries . . . bonuses!), raped consumers for every penny on every car bought and flouted any hint of government regulation for decades. Suddenly, they’re mysteriously out of money, and NOW they want government money, our tax dollars, to help shore up their struggling enterprises.
Fuck each and every one of them with sharpened broom handles! These bastards don’t deserve a penny. They are so completely out of touch with anything remotely resembling reality that they — the biggest automobile manufacturers in the country, showed up to beg Congress for money not in cars (or even SUVs) but in private fucking jets.
We should give them each a Hummer, a gallon of gas and a five-minute head start. Then it’s pitchfork and torch time.
Giving thanks
As the PickSix will be taking Thanksgiving off next week, I wanted to take a moment to give a little pre-Thanksgiving thanks to some people who deserve it more than they know.
To my family and closest friends, I thank you for all of your love and support.
To the inventors out there, I thank you for electric light, indoor plumbing and Q-tips.
To the universe in general, I thank you for good health, beauty and happiness.
To Sienna Miller, I thank you for continuing to regularly go topless in public.
Amen.
DVDelicious
On the one hand you have Zombie Strippers starring Jenna Jameson. She gets naked on numerous occasions, becomes a zombie and continues to strip to much acclaim.
On the other hand, you have All Through the Night, a classic good boy gangster/anti-Nazi flick featuring Bogart at his Bogie-est and Peter Lorre at his Lorre-est.
What do you do, hot shot? What do you do?
(Of course, if you’re me, you watch them both and enjoy the hell out of ’em.)
by Gary Zeidner
I know I’m usually all sweetness and light when it comes to my beloved Birds, but after enduring a needless loss to the Giants two weeks ago and a tie with the Bengals last week, it’s time for some tough love. No more Mr. Fucking Nice Guy.
I’ve been saying IAWT (In Andy We Trust) since Big Red pissed off the entire Eagles Nation by picking Donnie over Williams. In Andy I still do trust, but after his baffling play calling and personnel choices this season, that trust has taken some hits bigger than anything you’d ever see on the field. It’s time for Andy to stop hemming and hawing and step the fuck up.
Donnie, you know I love you, but right now you’re playing like a journeyman and leading like a follower. Half your passes have more air under them than Clay Aiken’s loafers, and the other half hit the ground so far in front of your receivers that I’m worried they’re going to call you for intentional grounding every other play. You were personally responsible for four turnovers against the Bengals with your fumble and three interceptions. You’re rocking a 50 percent completion rate right now. Does that get your blood boiling? Does it get you focused? I guess not. After each testicle-grinding loss, you mellowly spout the standard issue bullshit about needing to play together and almost being where you need to be when what you really need to do is smack your shoe on the podium Khrushchev-style and scream, “We will bury you!” Oh, and while you’re getting your fucking ducks in a row, how about brushing up on the rulebook. (Not knowing that regular season games can and will end in ties after one overtime period is Bush-league pathetic. More on that later.)
It’s almost like, as a team, the Eagles don’t really want to win this year. How else do you explain — among the other eye-bleedingly obvious mistakes and missteps — the fact that the Birds keep playing games virtually penalty-free until the final few minutes of the fourth quarter then suddenly implode, drawn into a penalty black hole by the weight of their own idiocy?
There were only two players worth any fraction of their salaries playing in Eagle green last weekend, Quintin Mikell and Asante Samuel. Mikell hit Bengals wideout Chapman so hard he knocked him the fuck out. The guy literally went limp, in the air, and the ball drop from his temporarily motor control-less arms. Samuel made a number of good plays but none better than his action hero, bullet-time leap over a receiver to block an incoming pass. Two great players, however, does not a team make.
Fucking Eagles. All you had to do was beat the Giants. At home. On national television. On a Sunday night. That’s it. Just beat the fucking Giants and your season was set up like ABSCAM.
But no. You dropped a five-point loss instead. Another almost-but-not-quite heartbreaker. Another we-missed-it-by-that-much circle jerk. Another but-for-the-grace-of-god-go-I cock punch. Then, when a redemption win against Cincy seemed all but inevitable, you managed the NFL’s first tie in six years. And you did it against a 1-8 team. Bravo, you fucking humps.
OK. I get it. Drama. That’s what you’re going for. OK. Fine. You want it like that. You got it like that. It’s “win out” time now. You win out the rest of the season, get into the postseason, get to the Big Game and win Philly its first Super Bowl, and all is forgiven. Short of that, fuck you.
Seriously. Coffee’s for closers. I love you like brothers, and I will always root for you with every last breath and drop of blood until the day I die, but make it fucking worth it. Beat the Ravens and run the table. It’s time.
E-A-G-L-E-S . . . EAGLES!!!
Rules? We don’t need no stinking rules!
Donovan McNabb, Eagles QB and 10-year vet in the NFL, didn’t know that there is no sudden death overtime during the regular season. Fucking disgusting. (It doesn’t make matters any better that, seemingly, he wasn’t the only Eagle who missed that day of Rules class.)
In an effort to help educate D-Mac and save him future embarrassment, here are the top 10 other rules I’m betting Donnie doesn’t know.
10. Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, all clear.
9. You never count your money while you’re sitting at the table.
8. No shoes, no shirt, no service.
7. Never yell “Fire!” in a crowded theatre.
6. You must come to a complete stop at a stop sign.
5. Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.
4. Red next to yellow, kill a fellow. Red next to black, venom lack.
3. When your girlfriend says, “Let’s just be friends,” she’s already fucking someone else.
2. Never wear socks with sandals.
1. A rain delay after five innings in the World Series does not result in the leading team winning the game but instead in an indeterminate rain delay. (But in fairness, nobody knew that one until a few weeks ago.)
Non-erotic auto-asphyxiation
So the Big Three automakers in America have paid out eight-figure bonuses (not salaries . . . bonuses!), raped consumers for every penny on every car bought and flouted any hint of government regulation for decades. Suddenly, they’re mysteriously out of money, and NOW they want government money, our tax dollars, to help shore up their struggling enterprises.
Fuck each and every one of them with sharpened broom handles! These bastards don’t deserve a penny. They are so completely out of touch with anything remotely resembling reality that they — the biggest automobile manufacturers in the country, showed up to beg Congress for money not in cars (or even SUVs) but in private fucking jets.
We should give them each a Hummer, a gallon of gas and a five-minute head start. Then it’s pitchfork and torch time.
Giving thanks
As the PickSix will be taking Thanksgiving off next week, I wanted to take a moment to give a little pre-Thanksgiving thanks to some people who deserve it more than they know.
To my family and closest friends, I thank you for all of your love and support.
To the inventors out there, I thank you for electric light, indoor plumbing and Q-tips.
To the universe in general, I thank you for good health, beauty and happiness.
To Sienna Miller, I thank you for continuing to regularly go topless in public.
Amen.
DVDelicious
On the one hand you have Zombie Strippers starring Jenna Jameson. She gets naked on numerous occasions, becomes a zombie and continues to strip to much acclaim.
On the other hand, you have All Through the Night, a classic good boy gangster/anti-Nazi flick featuring Bogart at his Bogie-est and Peter Lorre at his Lorre-est.
What do you do, hot shot? What do you do?
(Of course, if you’re me, you watch them both and enjoy the hell out of ’em.)
GamedayGourmet 11.20.08
Big Game Breakfast Hash
by Vince Darcangelo
Forget about the grocery-store hash served up in a can, with corned beef minced into ALPO. This is a hearty hash worthy of a cast-iron skillet.
For those who partake in the Gourmet’s former weekend activities (i.e. heavy drinking), this is a great morning-after recipe to get you geared up for kickoff. But no hangover is required to enjoy this meal. We recommend enjoying it with a big mug of chai. Or coffee. Or herbal tea. Whatever your pleasure.
Ingredients:
1-2 russet potatoes
1 package pancetta (Italian bacon)
2-3 shallots
1 green bell pepper
Begin by dicing potato(es) into squares as if making home fries. Boil in a pot with heavily salted water for about 20 minutes. While potatoes are cooking, dice shallots, pepper and pancetta. Sauté shallots and pepper in a large skillet with a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and salt and pepper. After a few minutes, add pancetta.
Drain potatoes and return to empty pot to remove excess moisture, then add to skillet. Add more seasoning if desired, such as basil, oregano or, for a nice kick, a dash of Cajun seasoning. Stir often until pancetta crisps and potatoes develop a firm exterior.
Slide onto a plate and cover with three eggs done to your liking. We suggest something on the runnier side so that the yolk dispenses some gooey egg goodness onto the hash.
Halfback Option:
Bacon or sausage could be used in place of pancetta, as could tofu.
Tailback Option Pass:
For dairy fans, melt some shredded cheese on top of the hash just before serving.
End Around Option:
Want spicy? We got spicy. Replace that mild bell pepper with a spicy jalapeno or two.
Mexico City Miracle Option:
Feeling Mexican, like that time Arizona and San Francisco played in Mexico City? Serve alongside some black beans and dash a little hot sauce on your hash.
NFL Europa Option:
And since the pancetta already adds a taste of Italy, feel free to heat and pour some of last night’s marinara over top of the hash to give it full-blooded Italian flare. Or go American and just add ketchup.
But really, this hash is so flavorful that it requires no flavor accessories.
We don’t have any suggestions for leftovers, though, as there is no chance there will be any of this hearty hash left over after breakfast.
by Vince Darcangelo
Forget about the grocery-store hash served up in a can, with corned beef minced into ALPO. This is a hearty hash worthy of a cast-iron skillet.
For those who partake in the Gourmet’s former weekend activities (i.e. heavy drinking), this is a great morning-after recipe to get you geared up for kickoff. But no hangover is required to enjoy this meal. We recommend enjoying it with a big mug of chai. Or coffee. Or herbal tea. Whatever your pleasure.
Ingredients:
1-2 russet potatoes
1 package pancetta (Italian bacon)
2-3 shallots
1 green bell pepper
Begin by dicing potato(es) into squares as if making home fries. Boil in a pot with heavily salted water for about 20 minutes. While potatoes are cooking, dice shallots, pepper and pancetta. Sauté shallots and pepper in a large skillet with a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and salt and pepper. After a few minutes, add pancetta.
Drain potatoes and return to empty pot to remove excess moisture, then add to skillet. Add more seasoning if desired, such as basil, oregano or, for a nice kick, a dash of Cajun seasoning. Stir often until pancetta crisps and potatoes develop a firm exterior.
Slide onto a plate and cover with three eggs done to your liking. We suggest something on the runnier side so that the yolk dispenses some gooey egg goodness onto the hash.
Halfback Option:
Bacon or sausage could be used in place of pancetta, as could tofu.
Tailback Option Pass:
For dairy fans, melt some shredded cheese on top of the hash just before serving.
End Around Option:
Want spicy? We got spicy. Replace that mild bell pepper with a spicy jalapeno or two.
Mexico City Miracle Option:
Feeling Mexican, like that time Arizona and San Francisco played in Mexico City? Serve alongside some black beans and dash a little hot sauce on your hash.
NFL Europa Option:
And since the pancetta already adds a taste of Italy, feel free to heat and pour some of last night’s marinara over top of the hash to give it full-blooded Italian flare. Or go American and just add ketchup.
But really, this hash is so flavorful that it requires no flavor accessories.
We don’t have any suggestions for leftovers, though, as there is no chance there will be any of this hearty hash left over after breakfast.
PickSix.biz
Friends. Family. Football Fans.
Once again, technology has proven to be our greatest foe at the PickSix. This time it's backed us up into our own end zone with a fire blitz for which we just don't have an answer. We've tried a three-step drop, brought in a fullback and extra tight end for blocking and even tried a funky lateral play that got Las Vegas in a tizzy.
In the end, we were unable to get our Web pages up and running for the second straight week. So, we called in FEMA and they offered us temporary housing at this blog. We hope to have the official PickSix.biz site of the injury list shortly, but in the meantime, enjoy our temporary home at http://gamedaygourmet.blogspot.com/.
Once again, technology has proven to be our greatest foe at the PickSix. This time it's backed us up into our own end zone with a fire blitz for which we just don't have an answer. We've tried a three-step drop, brought in a fullback and extra tight end for blocking and even tried a funky lateral play that got Las Vegas in a tizzy.
In the end, we were unable to get our Web pages up and running for the second straight week. So, we called in FEMA and they offered us temporary housing at this blog. We hope to have the official PickSix.biz site of the injury list shortly, but in the meantime, enjoy our temporary home at http://gamedaygourmet.blogspot.com/.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)