Goin' Deep 11.20.08

Bringing Sexy Back: An Open Letter to the National Football League
by Mikey Hammerstone

How can a game end in a tie? What’s with all the fines for tackling a perfectly good quarterback? Why are some franchises still in existence? As fans, we’re often subject to the decisions made by the NFL front office morons and are forced to live through season after season of stupidity.

I mean, isn’t it bad enough that we have to put up with Kornheiser every Monday?!? I sure as hell never wanted that fucking numbnuts to broadcast my Monday night game! Why weren’t we, the fans, asked for our opinion? Shouldn’t there have been some sort of survey done? During the election, the pollsters should have thrown in “Who would you choose to co-host the MNF game? A) Chris Berman, B) Dennis Leary or C) Peter Griffin.” Seriously, if the American people knew that would be one of the questions, maybe they wouldn’t have been so pissed off that someone was calling them in the middle of dinner.

Ladies and gentlemen, we need to voice our concerns and we need it done now. For that reason, I have decided to take on the responsibility of being your NFL Moses. The following letter to the NFL is for YOU, my football brethren and sistren:

Dear Mr. Goodell,

I would like to take this opportunity to express some of my concerns as a longtime fan of the NFL. Having now been a fan for more than 30 years, I have seen the demise of a once great league. If you would be so kind, please take a moment to consider the following adjustments that I believe might save a sport that I so very much love.

First, can you please stop making the game look so much like a powder puff league? Every week I see penalties for hits on the quarterback that make me cry out “What the fuck was that?” in disbelief. Last time I checked, a quarterback was still a football player. If you don’t want them to get hurt, you might want to try fielding them in a suit of armor with poisonous spokes sticking out of their plated uniforms.

I mean, seriously, it’s gotten to the point where I wouldn’t even be afraid to have my 5-year-old niece drop back for my favorite team because I know that she couldn’t be touched. Even with the new “two-hand touch” rules that you have instituted for these guys, they still seem to somehow get hurt. Do you want to know why? Because they’re pussies. The worst part is that it’s not even their fault. I mean, why the hell should they bother toughening themselves up if they know that they’re going to have a three-foot halo around them all the time?

Next, what’s with having a tie game? Even the NHL has instituted the shoot out to decide a winner for God’s sake (and nobody even watches that shit anymore)! There is no reason why this shouldn’t be changed. If neither team can score in OT, each team should trot out their field goal kicker and kick field goals from 35 yards. If they both make it, it gets pushed back to 40 yards. If they both make it again, keep pushing it back five yards at a time until one kicker misses. That way, not only will a team’s precious little quarterback not get hurt, but the team can pretend like they love their kicker just like they would in regular overtime.

Finally, can you please institute a rule that if a team has a combined record of less than 10 wins in three years they must disband? (Bye bye Raiders and Lions). I mean really, watching a Texans/Bengals game this year is like being forced to have sex with Beatrice Arthur. Sure it’s still sex, but good God man! If you pass this rule, it would only serve as incentive for deadbeat teams to either shit or get off the pot.

So, Rog, there you have it. Thank you in advance for your consideration of these changes and I look forward to a much more enjoyable 2009 NFL season.

Sincerely,

Michael Hammerstone
Boulder, CO

P.S. Fuck the Cowboys.