Goin' Deep 12.04.08

East Sayid
by Mikey Hammerstone

Here we are just weeks away from a new season of LOST and I can’t help but think of how many times a West Coast NFL team has uttered the word . . . lost. We often hear so much about how there is an East Coast bias in sports. The East Coast gets to have its games in primetime, they get a level of hype on ESPN that would make Paris Hilton throw a hissy fit, and the sports writers act as if they are the best in the country.

But, do you really know why the East Coast has a bias? It’s because it’s better. Now, before you go jumping up my pooper hole faster than a doctor at a proctology exam, let me explain. First of all, I’m only talking about NFL football. Because there is a salary cap, there is no way that a team can stack or “buy” players like in baseball. Therefore, every team is on equal footing.

And it’s not that the East Coast is so freakin’ great. Trust me, I’ve been back here in New Jersey for the last three months and the people are assholes. There are way too many of them, nobody gives a shit about the environment, they have a diet that makes me wonder how the hell anyone here can live to be over 50, and for some reason, they all think that they’re Tony fucking Soprano. So, keep in mind that, although I am defending NFL East football, it doesn’t exclude the northeast from being what some might consider “God’s toe jam.”

First, let’s take this season for example. When you add up the record for the teams playing in the AFC and NFC West, you get a combined record of 31-65. The division leaders are both a mere two games over .500, the second place teams in both divisions are a staggering three games behind the division leaders, and the Arizona Cardinals, who lead the NFC west, are 2-5 against teams that call the East Coast their home. In comparison, the combined record for the NFC and AFC East is 60-35-1 (stupid Eagles tie), the East Coast divisions do not have one team that is below .500, and the NFC East has the New York Giants who are the best team in football (sorry Eagles and Titans fans . . . its true).

Second, allow me to refresh your memories with championships from recent years. Since 2000, not ONE West Coast team has won a Super Bowl (although San Diego did get to host one) and only two teams have even made it to the Super Bowl (2002 Raiders and the 2005 Seahawks). On the other hand, four teams from eastern divisions and three teams who are from the east side (Baltimore, Tampa Bay, and Pittsburgh) have won. So, since 2000 that gives the wrong coast a goose egg and the right coast seven out of eight.

Finally, there is no “real” passion for football in the west. It may have something to do with the fact that the west is still about 150 years behind the east, but I’m going to say that it’s because there are no good rivalries. Sure, I’ve heard it all before . . . “What about the Broncos vs. Chiefs?” Well, I’ve got a newsflash for ya: You can’t hate another team if it takes you more than one full day of driving to get to that city. Seriously, the closest AFC team to Denver is Kansas City (600 miles according to MapQuest). So what, you’re going to drive for 10 hours to go give your buddy shit after the Broncos beat the Chiefs? Not likely. On the flipside, the East Coast is stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey with football teams. Within a 433-mile span (Foxboro to D.C.), there are six, count ’em, SIX football teams (Patriots, Giants, Jets, Eagles, Ravens, and Redskins). I can’t walk out of the house wearing my Eagles hat without having some douchebag give me shit for it.

The bottom line is, the west coast folks need to chill out. If you don’t field a team that’s worth watching, you’re going to continue to watch the Chargers games at 10:00 am.

GO SMOKE MONSTER!